PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
Q: Why did the student throw his watch out of the school window? A: He wanted to see time fly.
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her mother
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
How can you open a banana?
With a monkey!
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
Why are frogs such happy animals?
Because they always eat whatever bugs them.
Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me"
"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No.What?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.